Content Warning

If you were offended by this story I was trying to offend you.

Praise for Tom Fucks a Retarded Child

“Tom Fucks a Retarded Child tries its hardest to seem shallower than a kiddie pool. Beneath that thin veneer of self loathing is something deeply, deeply uncomfortable. ★★★★★”

— Winter’s Ink

“It’s like continually opening one of those Russian nesting dolls only to find a piece of shit inside.”

— WaffleSquadron

“This is genuinely the most entertaining read I’ve found on this site.”

— HushBabyGirl

“Will take you places you didn’t expect, take you by surprise and make you uncomfortable. 10/10 couldn’t recommend enough.”

— Look

“Reading this feels like the mental equivalent of a sunburn. Read the first chapter and this is already better than some published books. I’m locked into the next chapter 100%. This story feels like the kind of thing that could only be written by someone who lived a life like that.”

— Semid

“reading through [Tom Fucks] and I made it to ‘I commit neck rope’ and died laughing. it actually seems really beautiful in a fucked up and funny but still sad way. For some reason I’ve really taken to the whole theme of fox racism in stories, it always seems so absurd and unbelievable yet so relatable and an undeniable truth. like the fox racism in [Everybody Yiffs]. (…) oh my god you’re the one that wrote the fox racism story I was referring to?????”

— Floofy

“I really enjoyed the blend of off the wall cool sex stuff and just, how kinda sincere and sweet it seems?? The premise is really fun and also makes me a lil emotional haha ;u;”

— Wobble Bun

“This fic is like looking into a window to a indescribable nightmare world and then turning around and coming to the realization it was actually a mirror.”

— BURBLE_DRANK

“There are very few articles about cubs, including premature ejaculation, unexpected ejaculation, and edging, and they are still in line with the theory of deconstruction. Thank you very much for allowing me to enjoy such amazing articles.”

— 狼狼 好耶 (apparently reads all my stories through Google Translate)

“This is fucking rancid. Seriously, I cannot overstate how mentally ill you must be. Papers could be written based on this story alone! Your delusions of grandeur are fascinating. How you could write something like this and maintain any sort of ego is beyond me. Seriously, you should be studied.”

— Ali :3

Author’s Note

Tom Fucks a Retarded Child is the greatest story ever written. This book is a grand achievement in literary history: bold, poignant, and culturally relevant. Like many of you, I was forced to read Flowers for Algernon in High school. And like many of you, upon finishing it I immediately saw the great potential in adapting the novel as the premise for child pornography. Finally, the truth of Tom’s struggle to make love to an intellectually disabled cub can be told.

I have always considered myself to be an extraordinarily humble person. An honest man who just wants to do an honest day’s work crafting high-quality literature depicting repetitive paraphiliac sex acts involving underaged anthropomorphic animals. But society doesn’t agree… And it pains me to admit that so far none of my works have ever reached mainstream appeal. Instead, I have been forced to keep my pathetic day job as head writer of an internationally successful Australian animated children’s program.

But every cloud has a silver lining. The cult success of Everybody Yiffs has drawn the attention of a well-regarded resturant franchise that prefers to remain anonymous. They have agreed to offer me a small sum every time I reference one of their products in my stories. This is a new concept in direct-to-consumer marketing, something we are calling ‘product placement’. I hesitate to even mention this, as longtime readers can rest assured they will not find any noticeable differences in the content or quality of my stories, but I hope this newfound revenue stream will allow me to pursue my passion full-time.

I want to end this preface by reiterating that Tom Fucks a Retarded Child is not just a story. It is a stunning indictment of the systems that oppress us. An uncompromising work of boundary-pushing transgressive art that grips you from the first chapter and dares you to look away. It is a story of intrigue, betrayal, and yes, even love. All my life I have dreamed of writing the next Great American Novel, my magnum opus. And I believe Tom Fucks might just be it. I only hope the world is ready for what I intend to show them…